Ask Questions First, Make Love Last

Two couples married in 1970. Now in their sixties, one couple has been divorced for two decades. One couple is still together, and completely in love. Why does love evaporate for some and deepen for others? What is the key to togetherness?

Someday scientists will find a gene for steadfastness, a "marriage" personality, or vaccines against boredom or cheating. But for now, experts (psychologists and old married folks, human development scholars and long-term lovers) agree that the key to relationship happiness is communication.. They all say the same thing: talking and listening build the foundation of happy, healthy relationships.

It’s such a simple answer! So, why is the U.S. divorce rate hovering around 50%? Why are people having such a hard time choosing the right partner and then staying together more than five years (the average length of marriages or living together these days)? Why are wonderful, single people suffering through bad relationships with people they thought they knew, but didn’t? Why are so many good people waking up alone?

It’s not hormones or the economy or bad time-management. It's not necessarily time for a self improvement course (although it could be). More than likely, it's the messy, divergent business of normal male-female communication. Men and women are socialized to communicate differently. Men talk facts; women talk feelings. Men value "logic" and women value "emotion". It’s nurture, not nature that determines how we talk to each other, but even knowing that doesn’t help when a woman says, "I feel belittled", and a man answers, "You’re not being rational." She: "You never take my side." He: "What are you talking about?" And the fight is on!

Communicating in dating can be especially stressful: we’ve all felt it! When does eye contact start to look like weirdo-staring? What’s the difference between privacy and secrecy? What kinds of questions are appropriate at early stages of getting to know someone? When can you say, "I want to have children" without your dinner partner running screaming down the street?

For couples already...coupled, communication may be the difference between separate identities and separate beds. Sometimes people who have lived together for years may feel like strangers with nothing to say to each other, nothing to ask. It may be the burnout and tedium of traffic and dentists’ bills. It may be that we haven’t really practiced talking with and listening to each other. For people in new relationships as well as older ones, communication practice is as necessary as breathable air.

To lessen the strain of starting conversations on your own, take a look at "1,000 Questions for Couples", the e-book by best-selling author Michael Webb. . Oodles of fascinating questions encompass all areas of life and can be used to get to know each other better, whether you’re dating or have lived together for years. At $19.97 (regularly $39.95) that includes a wonderfully imaginative bonus e-book called "101 Romantic Ideas" and a free email course, the book that may make your relationships a lifelong love affair costs a pittance compared to the cost of even one hour of couples’ counseling. And it comes with a money-back guarantee.

In new relationships, questions may be used to show up differences and similarities in your core values, the things you want from life and the things you expect from a partner. They may be used to jump-start stalled communication as well, and to practice talking and listening to each other. Spending time talking is the best way to grow closer, and to deepen your relationship.

Of course, there are other ways to deepen a relationship. If you’re pretty satisfied with the quality of talking and listening going on, you may still have some questions about increasing intimacy in a world that seems to be intent on driving lovers apart.

For women struggling with the age-old question, "What do men want?" there is a highly interesting e-book out called,
"Men Made Easy". Reminiscent of the romantic ideas that sparked movies like, "The Thin Man" and "Some Like It Hot", this is a fun read and a classically new take on what makes women special – to men and to themselves. The easy answer to "what do men want?" is "sex". The more complicated and consequently truer answer is that men want women assured in their femininity, who appreciate men for the things men appreciate in themselves. It makes perfect sense. Let’s say you don’t especially like to cook, but you love to paint. Would you prefer to be appreciated for your pasta, or your impasto? We all have this in common: we want to be loved for what we love in ourselves.

A positive attitude can also work relationship magic. Men and women prefer to come home to someone who’s happy, playful and sexy, not angry, complaining or resentful. With problem-solving ideas that balance logic and paradox, this book is designed to free you up from the daily constraints of the perfume-free office, muggy subways and sensible shoes.
"Men Made Easy" is $12.95, which includes two free bonus e-books; "Harry the Hunter and Gida the Gatherer", and "If You Were a Dolphin and He Was a Lion" (usually $5.95 each). It’s a book about how to please yourself while enriching your most intimate relationship. It’s lipstick and mystery, champagne and intrigue all rolled into one immensely readable package. And although it’s written for women, I think men could apply many of the principles to making their women happy too.