PARENTING DURING DIVORCE

by Jan Levinson Gilman, Ph.D.

Effective parenting is an enormous task under the best of circumstances. Parenting during times of personal tragedy or crisis may seem almost impossible. Not only are divorce and separation likely to feel like times of personal crisis, they are times which require effective parenting. The recent trend towards shared parenting by both parents, commonly called joint custody, requires that spouses who may feel unable to communicate with each other, must work cooperatively as parents. Often that may seem like an absolutely impossible task. What follows are some general guidelines for helping people parent during divorce.

DO:
1. Talk to your children about divorce. Let them know there are no rights or wrongs. The marriage is not working out and Mom and Dad must live apart. Children initially may question, ask the reasons, and even challenge your motives. (Remember, you need not justify your motives. Give reasons that are at your child's developmental level.)
2. Try to keep things stable for the first year if at all posssible. Keep children in the same day care centers, schools, activities, etc. The school has often become the secure spot for children whose families are divorcing.
3. Let other adults, such as teachers and babysitters who are involved with your children, know as soon as possible about the separation. This may be hard to do at a time when you feel uncertain and vulnerable. However, it will help other adults whom your children may love and trust to understand your children's behavior changes and to help them adjust.
4. Keep your children up to date as your plans develop and or change. Let them be the first to know of a planned move, or a change in scheduling tiime for them to be with the other parent, or any other change of living arrangements. Try to be consistent and follow through with your plans.
5. Stop to listen to your childeren's concerns. Concerns which seem small from an adult perspective may loom large to a child.
6. Create a sense of a new home and a complete family for your children. While it's true traditional families consist of two parents, you alone can create a complete family by developing a sense of belonging , with common rules and experiences, and good as well as bad time shared together.

DON' T:
1. Talk negatively about the other parent in front of your children. It may force them into feeling that they must take sides. This is a difficult position to be in as most chhildren want to love both parents.
2. Use your children to convey messages to your ex-spouse. Your child will be placed in an untenable position if the message is negatively charged, of making you unhappy if he or she doesn't relay it, or making the other parent unhappy if he or she does. (Manny children placed in this position see no other remedy than to lie to both parents. Call your ex-spouse yourself or ask a friend or professioal to convey messages.)

Even with the best efforts a parent can make, some children may not seem to be adjusting to their new life style. Developmentally, they may have taken steps backwards instead of forward. They may seem less secure, less happy, or less outgoing than before. Some children need professioanl support to adjust to a divorce. Find a mental helath professioan who has experience working with children and one with whom you have confidence. Don't be afraid to ask questions and share your concerns. Most of all, don't feel you are naturally at fault. Rather, try to view it as part of the overall adjustment period that will help him or her accommodate to the divorce and aid in his or her growth as a well-adjusted individual.

-----

Submitted by:
Jan Levinson Gilman, Ph.D.
CIL Counseling Services