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Parents can do a lot more to help thier children become socially competent than just saying "Be nice" as they head off for school in the mornig.
Consider these points, and ask yourself these questions:
Observe your child objectively (as much as possible). Does she, or does she not relate well to others? If not, teach her specifically what to do.
Is she able to de-code nonverbal communication? For example, can she read facial expressions accurately?
Does she have the ability to join a game already in progress?
No one likes unpredictability in others. Does she have emotional self-control? Is she able to discharge strong emotions appropriately?
To help develop confidence, does she have competence in at least one area? For example, gymnastics, karata, soccer.
Not every child is an extrovert yet most can be encouraged to be more outgoing. Does she understand that she needs to carry one half of the conversation? Does she know it's important to answer in more than just monosyllabic responses?
Does she know how to show interest, and ask questions of the other person?
Does she have negotiation skills?
Discuss with your child what makes a person friendly. Empathy, smiling face, compassion, interest in others, eye contact, etc. Does she understand the importance of being actively friendly?
Teach a variety of openers and closers. For example, "Hi" "How's it going?" "What's new?" "See ya." etc.
Does she know how to listen to other, self-disclose, and offer compliments?
Does she have a sense of humor?
Is she an interesting and cooperative person? Help her to learn cooperation and become an interesting person.
Is she able to visualize herself as a friendly person?
I asked my own children about making friends. Valerie, age 10, said, "A good way to make friends is to not brag, and don't try to be cool. Just be yourself and kids will like you."
Ryan, age 9, said, "To have friends you need to be kind and understanding."
Philip G. Zimbardo writes in "The Shy Child" "To relate affectively to other people requires wanting to make contact, having basic social skills, and a good sense of self-esteem, and not being so anxious that it interferes with one's performance."
Ralph Waldo Emerson said it beautifully, "If you want a friend, be a friend." And certainly another good rule of thumb is the Golden Rule: "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."
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