To Feel Understood Is To Feel Loved

by Shirley King

Everyone wants to feel heard and understood. From infants to grandparents, everyone wants and needs understanding. To feel; truly listened to, really heard and understood from our point of view, is to feel loved.

Reflective or active listening is a way to show we love our children. It is a way of listening to another that shows we want to understand. Reflective listening is an ideal way to communicate love. Reflective listening is an attitude as well as a skill. As an attitude it says "I'm here, I care, tell me." It is a skill parents can learn so their children will feel emotionally safe to express themselves. Feeling safe to express feelings is an important factor in open and honest communication.

Feelings are neither good nor bad. They just are. All feelings are OK. However, some actions must be limited. Feelings are biological changes happening within the body. Children need to learn what these changes are and what they mean. Reflective listening is something parents can do that helps children learn more about themselves and this increases self-esteem. Parents need to be willing to take the time to patiently, non-judgmentally, and tentatively accept their children's emotions in order to build self-respect.

Often in their busy lives, parents don't take the time to get down on the child's level and truly hear their child empathetically. Parents are often quick to belittle, lecture, moralize, negate, discount, or fix, rather than giving their full attention to the child.

Giving our full attention to our children means actively listening with quiet curiosity and keeping talk to a minimum: "Oh....hmm. I see."

Establish loving tender eye contact and gently nod to show you're listening. Acknowledge what you are hearing. "Tell me more."

Ask yourself, "what is she feeling?" Think of a feeling word that describes that experience; embarrassed, miserable, lonely, worried, etc.

Then use that word in a sentence to reflect back to her what you think she is feeling. "It sounds like you're feeling disappointed your TV show is over" or "You're irritated with mommy because I said 'No cookies now.'"

Reflective listening conveys to our child an essential sincere desire to hear and understand who she is. This is psychological safety. This is love.

Reflective listening is listening from one heart to another. When children feel heard with empathy from their point of view, they feel validated, valued, significant and loved. When children feel significant, worthwhile and cherished they are able to develop and grow in self-confidence, self-worth and self-esteem. This is love.